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Hey editor, stop being a jerk, okay?

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After six months of no verdict, I wrote to inquire and received no reply. I wrote again after seven months and received no reply. After eight months I wrote again and received the reply that my earlier emails must have gone to spam. After 8.5 months I received a rejection. I was given access to only one of the two reports that had been submitted. The reviewer gave no thought to the contribution my paper might be making but tried very hard to think up lots of questions that they could have answered for themselves (e.g. five different hypotheses about who my opponent might be).

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